Don't make out with my wife yet
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am midnight drunk by noon
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
