You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
