I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
