Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
