Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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