found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
