A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
