they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
