Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
