I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
