I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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