I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
