Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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