wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
