YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
