Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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