it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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