Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
