Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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