I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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