TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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