thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
