this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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