we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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