i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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