1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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