so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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