another moral hangover. fuck.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
