I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
