She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
