Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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