I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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