I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
