seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
