This dress was meant to end up on your floor
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
