She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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