I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
