I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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