mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
