I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
