If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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