I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
there is glitter all over my balls
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
