hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
