I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Boobs are out for the taking
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
