Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
