I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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