I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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