I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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