If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i love accidental penises.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
