So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
