Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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