just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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