my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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