i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
