My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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