the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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