I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
