a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
