Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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