if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
