I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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