he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
